Leucosia

I'm d feeling like the heathen i am.

I woke extrememly early today to go to my grandmas church picnic, se4eing as i',m living eith her. Ick. she's preached to me so much ;since i found god" this, 'i'll pray for you" that. shUt up! i beleive in sciemce!

I may be extremely drunk, and stoned..... i am heathen

and fat.

Oh shoot me now. Binge, purge, binge purge,,, nothing else. fuck i long for controlled restrictiona gain- it feels le3ss dirty than this. and less pointless. and its cheaper.

ARGH! why do i jeopardise myself?

4 pieces of frnch toast smothered in sugar! I hate myself. Off to go purge it all out again....

The thing is i dont even eat it wqithout the intention of purging anymore. 

See what happens when i leave my bedroom?!

Warning: numbers, food cravings, triggering SI/suicide talk.

I gained so much weight when in Melbourne. Managed not to binge in the first few days, but after his sister took us out for dinner, that was it- control gone. I had recently reached my lowest weight too... am worryingly pleased about that, and very very unhappy at the loss of control.

Meanwhile, I am now positive she likes me.

I hate not being able to access facebook. Its killing me as i recently found several old coworkers of mine and want to talk to them.

What else is news? Bulimic behaviour running rampant with my knuckle badly calloused, laxatives weilding unpredictable results and binging at an all time worst. 

Managed to pick up 2 new books though- "Thin" the biography and "Andreas voice- silenced by bulimia". I'll send them to you snail when I'm done.

Mum emailed me, apologised for being a 'lousy parent' which made me feel bad. Yes i was pissed at her, but i don't think she knew that, and i would never want her to. I know she suffers from guilt a lot if she feels she failed us in any way. I know the time that both her and i spent home in Perth was not ideal, and that my sister is being a stupid cow, but its not her fault and she shouldn't beat herself up for it. I think i was pissed at her because i had to be pissed at someone and Parents are the easiest option (and they did not get me a new phone and nagged me about dentist trip).

Are you positively certain that you know what you've been shown